A week ago, I found out that my friend Troy Gardner had passed away.
His specific cause of death was not reported (and may not be certain). But we know that over the course of years, he came to struggle with racing thoughts and apocalyptic visions... luring him off from those he'd been close to in the past.
I first met Troy in 2004, shortly after having eerily similar crises in Seattle (from only inklings of the phenomena that I started documenting on this site). Despite just knowing me as a crazy person from the Internet, he offered to let me camp out on the floor of his small Santa Monica apartment, while I looked for a place to rent during film school.
We bonded quickly, talking about technology and philosophy. He took me to a yoga studio where they did interpretive dance to techno, and I took him to a Michael Penn concert at Largo. I still had my guard up about the experiences I'd had with the mental health system--but he made me feel comfortable about it--which was critical at that time.
It was a friendship that ultimately led to us becoming housemates, and we shared an apartment from 2006-2010.
Troy's generosity--and the openness of the friends I found in Los Angeles--saved my life. He and others I met in that moment helped bring me back from the cusp of insanity, to wanting to participate in the world as it is.
When his crises hit over a decade later, nearly everyone had migrated to other cities. It was a darker time not just for him, but for the world--under the shadow of Covid-19. Regrettably, the same network of support was not at his doorstep.
I am painfully familiar with how personal disappointments can become entangled with intrusive thoughts, to turn one inward and declare war on reality. It's a common thread for every manic street preacher...a self-perpetuating high that becomes the ultimate sunk-cost fallacy: "I have put my comforts, my reputation, and my relationships up for sacrifice. It must have been for important reasons."
Still, I cannot know precisely what Troy was going through. Those of us who have been in these states can't bring back our true inner experience--only speak about it. Memory fades to where you find yourself wondering just as anyone else would: why engage it, and not run to the nearest doctor for a pill to make it stop?
I wish that I could have been a rare bridge to Troy, and broken the cycle to bring him back. But were that true, we'd only need one Patient Zero to return: they'd come back from the other side with an answer to keep it from happening to anyone else ever again.
If anything, I learned that there are limits to what you can do when someone is in the throes of it. Advice rarely goes far, and the inevitable encounters with current mental health systems cause as much harm as good. You have to be patient, and make yourself available when (and if) they decide--for themselves--that they want what you're offering.
Yet had I allowed myself to absorb how severe his situation could be, I'd have gotten on a plane and gone to look for him. Small odds are still odds.
In "The Truth, The Shadow, and the Solution", an entity I perceived to be Troy advised me on my pursuit of the dreamworld:
Troy: "Look, it's probably not in your best interest to be trying so hard to get here. Being able to see both sides now, I like our apartment and things the way it is better."
That was circa 2008, while we were still housemates in LA. It was a time when he would sit at the kitchen table and draw while we were talking. Sometimes colored pencil, sometimes not... but usually square.
This was my favorite of those pieces:
The cosmic battle between good and evil was a frequent source of artistic inspiration for him. For reasons we may not be ready to understand, it took center stage as the lens by which he viewed items in the daily news cycle... or graphics that caught his attention on the Internet.
God was involved in a high-stakes Earth-based game with the Devil, and we'd see it everywhere if we just opened our eyes.
Perhaps. But it was a better game when Troy was playing.
I made the choice to post about this here. For one thing, I have no reason to trust sites like
legacy.com or LinkedIn (and many reasons to not trust them).
But also, because this dream journal is the closest thing I have to a religious framework. Though it raises many questions and gives practically no answers, it still leads me consistently to conclude that there is more than this. While you may not be able to verify the accounts independently, maybe my candor can help you believe the same (if you've been on the fence about it).
So I will be keeping a lookout for Troy in my journeys. Hopefully our spirits can convene again, some time not too long from now, in some new medium...
-- Brian F. Dickens
"GARDNER - Troy Gardner, 48, of Yuba City, CA, passed away January 20, 2023. Arrangements are under the direction of Holycross Funeral Home & Crematory, 486 Bridge Street, (530) 751-7000."